the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
