She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
