look no pants
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize