I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
