P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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