No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
