At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
