i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
cat food counts as protein by the way
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
