At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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