she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
