I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
organizing the empties. That sober.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
