The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
