Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
