TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
