she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
