You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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