Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
