You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize