he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
