I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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