apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
