blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
