I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Randomize
