Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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