I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
PANTIES FOUND
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