I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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