just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
