i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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