I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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