Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
