I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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