My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
