I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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