I hate all girls vehemently.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
