you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
