Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
