with your own penis?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
