If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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