i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
