I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
