WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
