I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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