Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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