my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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