nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
