i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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