I want you more than these girls want KFC
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
