i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
