I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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