Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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