God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
