It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
