so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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