Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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