do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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