I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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