Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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