i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
