took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
