just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
