I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
