I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
