a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
