I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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