i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
