Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
