Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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