please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
