i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
